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Who I Want To Be In 2019

A lot of people derive a strange sense of superiority from shitting on New Years resolutions. I mean I get it — if you want to make a change there’s no need to wait for a new calendar year. But if there’s anything my career has taught me, it’s that there’s an undeniable (and exponential) advantage to thinking about goals in periodical increments. Weekly planning and strategizing helps you reach monthly goals, monthly planning helps you reach quarterly goals and quarterly planning helps you reach your annual goals. Even when you miss your goals for the week, month or quarter you find it much easier to reevaluate and readjust when you’re thinking that way in the first place.

Not to mention, if people are making an effort to better themselves and you opt to mock them for it, I’ve always thought it said more about you than them. I don’t get how I’m about to turn 25 and still have peers that think that hating on popular things makes them cool. I think the Bachelor is stupid and that it’s stupid to pay to ride a bike in a dark room with 30 other people while some guy named Ricardo yells at you with top 40s and EDM remixes playing in the background — but ya don’t hear me bragging about it.

That being said, I think that in my own life I find it more useful to think broadly and simply about what I want from my year as opposed to making lists of things I’m going to do and habits I’m going to make or break. In a weird way, it almost feels more intentional.

Yes — we should all exercise discipline and determination. They’re arguably the most important qualities in any person. But people are people and life is life. I’m always going to be a little bit of a piece of shit, and so will most people.

I doubt I’ll ever go a full year — or even month — working out every day, not hitting snooze on my alarm, or not vegging out watching Netflix.

Sure, I can (and have) decreased the overall quantity of my POS behavior. But instead of telling myself lies about waking up at 4am every day or never eating bread again, I’m finding it much more effective to think in general terms about who I want to be as a person.

So without further ado, here are the big changes I want to make (or continue) in 2019:

I want to stop comparing myself to other people in all aspects of my life.

There will always be someone that seems to be better than you in one way or another. There will always be someone better looking than you, more accomplished than you, making more money, with a better apartment than you in a better location. You can be a lil bitch and allow that to consume you or you can take pride in who you are and what makes you who you are and play the cards you’ve been dealt.

I don’t know what exactly happened, but something just snapped in me in the last few months and I don’t look at the Kylie clones all over Instagram and start hating myself or googling cosmetic surgeons. I even find myself liking my nose — which has been one of my most persistent insecurities. I’m not satisfied with my body because I KNOW I can do better — but I’m generally so happy with myself lately that even when I know I’m not at my best, I like what I see. It’s a wild, foreign feeling and I hope it never leaves.

I want to be a person that makes other people happy.

There are people that you hang around and almost every time you leave them, you feel renewed and uplifted. Sure, they’re usually nice — but it’s really something much bigger than that. Nice is one of the most boring things you can call someone. And they’re definitely positive — but there’s more to it than that. They aren’t those people that pretend to never have bad days or that inadvertently guilt trip you every time you’re upset about something — but they do challenge you to see the bigger picture (usually) without ever trying to, and without being assholes. They have this indescribable quality about them that just makes people want to be around them. I’d like to be more like those people.

I’m hard on myself, and I’m hard on other people. I can be really judgmental at times. I get impatient with people when I feel like they’re wallowing in self pity or refuse to take any responsibility for themselves, their lives or their choices. I don’t want to become a person that tells people what they want to hear or bullshits them, but I do want to become a more empathetic and understanding person.

I want to live fully and with intention.

Over Christmas break, I asked my high school crush if he wanted to catch up completely out of the blue. I had bumped into him at a protest in 2017 (in classic millennial fashion) but we hadn’t really talked to each other in years. But I shot a shot with no idea what to expect and ended up having one of the most memorable dates of my life not even knowing if I was on a date or not for most of it. I think people — women especially — waste a lot of time waiting for life to happen TO them instead of taking chances or making deliberate choices. There are too many memories to make and too much living to do to sit around waiting for good things to happen to you. In 2019 I want to chase down fun and adventure and success like a starved jungle cat with a British narrator in the background.

I want to see the best in people.

I’ve never really been the type to give people the benefit of the doubt. A recurring comment that my good friends have made is how much time and work it takes to actually get to know me. And in part, it’s because I have a natural instinct not to trust people or their motives. And I don’t say that to sound mysterious or fake deep — it’s just the way I am. And sure, it serves a purpose — but I’m coming to realize that life is too short to live on defense. It’s too short to close yourself off and constantly second guess everyone’s intentions because you don’t want to be hurt.

So yes, I do want to work out more and eat healthier and wake up earlier and do a Ted talk and take over the Department of Homeland Security and so on and so forth. But more important than any of that, is changing my attitude and changing my outlook so that no matter how much I make or weigh or who I’m dating at the end of this year, I’m a person that’s for the most part happy and proud of how I spent it.

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