It’s that time of year, and you’re still single. It sucked yesterday, it sucks today, and it will probably especially suck tomorrow as couples shove their love and commitment in your face like overeager grade schoolers at show and tell. You know how some people say “you can be gay, just don’t force me to look at it” or something along those lines? That’s how I feel about all romantic relationships. Gay, straight, imaginary liberal orientations, I don’t care – I don’t wanna see it! Let me be bitter and single in peace! But my wishes are never respected, and they especially won’t be tomorrow, so instead of making a suicide pact let’s be mature adults and spend our time more constructively.
1. Make valentines for veterans to hand out at your local VFW or veterans center/homeless shelter.
2. Start a 30 day challenge that will improve you in one way or another – whether that’s physically, mentally or emotionally.
3. Buy a bunch of nips and hand them out in pairs to the cutest couples you see to add spice to their lives.
4. Carry booze on you all day and play a drinking game for every proposal, awkward hand holding, last minute flower buyer, and pissed off girlfriend you see. Extra shots if you can spot a depressed side chick.
5. Volunteer at a local animal shelter.
6. Watch “How To Be Single” because it’s corny but it’s actually a pretty decent movie.
7. Watch 13 Hours (and/or American Sniper and/or Hotel Rwanada and/or a number of other serious movies) to remember how insignificant of a problem being single on Valentine’s Day actually is.
8. Write long, detailed letters to the three most important people in your life that explain how much you value them.
9. Put together packages of flowers, sandwiches (or some kind of easy to make portable food), and hand warmers and hand them out to the homeless. Feel free to customize your packages as you see fit.
10. Think about how you’ve grown in the last year and what growing you have left to do this year.
11. Seriously reflect on your character flaws, take responsibility for them, and figure out what you can do to fix them.
12. Make a list of things you’ve learned from your failed relationships – both platonic and romantic.
13. Do a really intense work out so at the very least you’re not saying “real women have curves, dogs are for bones” as you inhale a package of ho-hos in one breath, still single and alone next Valentine’s Day
14. Delete Tinder/Bumble/whatever other weird apps you lose and actually leave your house and socialize…for at least a month or two.
15. Make a list of things you’ve never done but always wanted to, and commit to do at least a quarter of them this year.
16. Hit the shooting range!
17. Act like a tourist in your own city/town and go on a photography tour, and try places that you’ve never been with cool Instagrams and great reviews on Yelp.