For the first time in a long time, I’m genuinely happy. As stressed out and anxious as I am, I have faith, I have purpose and I have confidence. Im smart, I’m beautiful and I’m going places. I’ve gotten to a point where I can appreciate other girls’ beauty and my classmates’ accomplishments without feeling the need to compare my own for the most part, and it’s refreshing. Jealousy is such a waste of energy and such a rotten, weak emotion.
But as happy as I am with the person I’m becoming, there’s an embarrassing insecurity that I just can’t shake.
The saturday before Easter, I went out with old friends from high school, and I was the only single one. The friends i was with have been with their boyfriends for significant periods of time. At that bar I ran into my roommates at school, one of whom has a boyfriend and the other who hit the tinder lottery and has been talking to a guy for months that really seems to like her and will more likely than not end up dating her.
And then there’s me, with a love life less exciting than a Hillary Clinton speech. And as much as I tell myself that this is the last thing that should be on my mind and that I need to be patient, sometimes my fears get the best of me.
I may sound paranoid or dramatic, but the last four years of my life happened so fast. Just four years ago, I was a goofy looking 18 year old hipster with a horrendous wardrobe and drawn on eyebrows- not to mention a rabid, embarrassingly uninformed liberal.
I’m 22. I’m graduating soon. I’m looking for a full time job, and I have to start paying my student loans soon. Real life is starting. Before I know it 22 will be 25 and 25 will be 30. I’m absolutely terrified of turning into the 30 year old on tinder.
I’ve noticed that many girls my age have a bad habit of blaming everyone but themselves for their problems. They never think they’re responsible for anything that goes wrong. And in not wanting to adopt that mentality, I’ve been questioning myself, and ask myself what’s wrong with me. Why am I the only single one? Am I not pretty enough for the guys I like? Do I drink too much? Do I have a repulsive personality?
And I’ve realized that I’m a work in progress. I should work out more. I should take better care of myself. I should stop drinking like I’m trying to kill a sailor, and while I like to think of myself as nice and funny, my personality could use some work. I can be cold, stand-offish and ridiculously moody.
At the end of the day, I don’t know if love happens for everyone. I don’t know if someone is going to come into my life that makes the waiting worth it. I don’t want to settle for the first decent guy to glance in my direction, as I see so many of my peers do. But as I become the best version of myself, I know that doubt and fear never solve anything. Whether or not I ever fall head over heels for someone, I have to believe in myself, my potential and God’s plan. As hard as it is to be the only single friend at times, I have to recognize it for the blessing that it is. As lonely as I feel sometimes, the world is mine to overcome and conquer right now. And there’s so much more to be grateful for than there is to whine or worry about.