I’m all about people loving themselves. Nothing makes me happier than knowing someone loves themselves like Kanye loves Kanye, or like Kim loves attention. But there are certain types of “confidence” that are really just low self esteem in a gaudy well designed costume, that are actually counter productive to a positive self image.
In the words of my girl Condi, self esteem comes from achievement, not lax standards and false praise.
“Everyone is beautiful” confidence
I’ve said this a thousand times before and I’ll say it a thousand times again, but everyone isn’t beautiful. Although as a society, certain beauty standards are accepted and promoted, beauty at its core is subjective and I encourage people to learn to think for themselves and define beauty at a personal level, but no one person will ever think that everyone they see is beautiful, and that doesn’t make them an asshole. That makes them normal. Instead of enforcing an idea as obviously stupid as “everyone is beautiful” we should be trying something like “the only opinion you have control over is your own” or “someone out there probably thinks you’re ugly but what you think of yourself is literally all that matters.”
Painfully obnoxious confidence
You used to hate yourself and cry in the mirror. You still hate yourself and cry in the mirror, but now you don’t want anyone to know about it. I get it. There’s nothing wrong with genuine arrogance, but the over the top displays that insecure people put on are so unbearably transparent that it’s both physically and mentally agonizing to be around. Confidence is a marathon, not a sprint, people. Relax.
Social media confidence
If anything, likes reflect how popular you are, not how attractive you are. Don’t let likes or a lack of them get to your head, it’s that simple.
Confidence based off of sexual attention
Do what you want with your body, but do it because you want to not because you need your appearance validated by some drunk guy with a half chub.
You feel hot, you feel wanted, you feel ready to drown small army in your underwear, but it’s a short lived phenomenon and in reality, no matter how gorgeous or desirable you may actually be, the guy is more than likely just looking for something to do with his loins. Any confidence that occurs with your clothes off and another person’s body parts intertwined with yours will be false and fleeting.
You can preach until you’re blue in the face that a girl’s promiscuity has nothing to do with her self worth, but a person that thinks they can use sex as currency to achieve a positive self image is not only seriously misguided but does not respect themselves.
Confidence from your friends
If there’s anything my college career has taught me, it’s that these hoes, in fact, ain’t loyal. One week your a girl’s #WCW with a long caption about how she couldn’t picture life without you and you’re basically mother theresa in Beyonce’s body, and the next she’s plotting your social homicide with every bitch you ever hated before she’s even unfollowed you. Heart eye emojis turn into mean spirited screen shots real quick, so don’t leave your self esteem in the hands of friends.
Confidence that tears others down
We’ve all seen Mean Girls, so I’m disappointed that women in their 20s and 30s have yet to reach the realization that Cadie Heron did on stage at her nerd convention at the ripe age of 16.
I’m not going to tell a girl what she can and can’t do with her face, hair or paychecks, and there’s nothing wrong with putting effort into presentation, but if you depend on weave or makeup to feel confident in your appearance, you’re living a lie my friend. As hard as it may be to swallow, you’ve probably swallowed worse before. Do better. I believe in you.