Michelle Obama spoke at the DNC on Wednesday, and libtards were practically foaming at the mouth. I thought I’d do the public a favor, and translate her remarks for anyone confused about what she really meant. I know this is a little late, but between gainful employment and trying to keep up with the fitness routine I started when I was funemployed, I just didn’t have the time to get to this sooner.
Thank you guys. OK. We got a big night ahead. Thank you all so much. Thank you. Hello, Chicago!
Something, something wonderfully magical is in the air, isn’t it? Yeah.
You know, we’re feeling it here in this arena, but it’s spreading all across this country we love. A familiar feeling that’s been buried too deep for far too long. You know what I’m talking about. It’s the contagious power of hope, the anticipation, the energy, the exhilaration of once again being on the cusp of a brighter day.
The past four years have been so ghetto – sorry y’all! Biden and the Bozo have been worse than we could’ve imagined. They suck – and I’m rich, so I know it’s been worse for you poors. We’re going to pretend that Kamala’s not the candidate from hell because that’s all we can do at this point.
The chance to vanquish the demons of fear, division, and hate that have consumed us and continue pursuing the unfinished promise of this great nation. The dream that our parents and grandparents fought and died and sacrificed for. America, hope is making a comeback.
I literally can’t think of a more hopeless situation than Kommander in Chief Kamala lmao I hate this bitch but I’ll live, maybe I’ll hire some illegal immigrants to clean my house on Martha’s Vineyard at a discount.
But, to be honest, I am realizing that until recently, I have mourned the dimming of that hope. And maybe you’ve experienced the same feelings—it’s that deep pit in my stomach, a palpable sense of dread about the future.
Tbh we’re nominating the biracial Joker but with better suits and a less impressive record so even with the fraud we have planned I’m nervous about whether we can pull this off or not.
You see, my mom in her steady quiet way, lived out that striving sense of hope every single day of her life. She believed that all children, all people have value.
She might have believed that but I don’t! Children have no value until they’re out of the womb and even then it’s up for debate.
That anyone can succeed if given the opportunity. She and my father didn’t aspire to be wealthy—in fact, they were suspicious of folks who took more than they needed. They understood that it wasn’t enough for their kids to thrive if everyone else around us was drowning.
Sike! My mom loved my vacation homes! And everyone but me and my ultra wealthy friends are drowning, but I think that’s a small price to pay for Zelenskyy’s wife’s wardrobe. When you’re trying to buy the same amount of groceries with 60% buying power, think of the smile on her face trying on a new mink coat, and know that your struggle was worth it.
So my mother volunteered at the local school. She always looked out for the other kids on the block. She was glad to do the thankless, unglamorous work that, for generations, has strengthened the fabric of this nation. The belief that if you do unto others, if you love thy neighbor, if you work and scrape and sacrifice, it will pay off—if not for you, then maybe for your children or your grandchildren.
First of all, please snip your balls or kill your baby! You can’t afford to raise a kid anyway, and you sure won’t be able to if we manage to get this clown in the White House. If you insist, though, joke’s on you because your kids, their kids, their kids’ kids, and their kids’ kids’ kids are going to be paying for her policies forever.
You see, those values have been passed on through family farms and factory towns, through tree-lined streets and crowded tenements, through prayer groups and national guard units and social studies classrooms. Those were the values my mother poured into me until her very last breath.
I’m trying to make it sound like I give a fuck about farmers and mountain people and other brands of poors that my party needs votes from. Is it working?
Kamala Harris and I built our lives on those same foundational values.
Just kidding lol my man may be gay but at least I’m not a homewrecker.
Even though our mothers grew up an ocean apart, they shared the same belief in the promise of this country. That’s why her mother moved here from India at 19. It’s why she taught Kamala about justice, about the obligation to lift others up, about our responsibility to give more than we take. She’d often tell her daughter: “Don’t sit around and complain about things. Do something.”
She did something alright! Did you see the geezer she was “dating” that got her into politics when she was still a young spring chicken? More power to her but there isn’t enough Chablis in the world.
So, with that voice in her head, Kamala went out and she worked hard in school, graduating from an HBCU, earning her law degree at a state school. And then she went on to work for the people fighting to hold law breakers accountable, strengthening the rule of law, fighting to get folks better wages, cheaper prescription drugs, a good education, decent healthcare, childcare, elder care. From a middle class household, Kamala worked her way up to become Vice President of the United States of America.
She spent a lot more time sending people to jail for having an eighth of weed but I know that wouldn’t go over well with this crowd, so we’re just going to move on.
My girl, Kamala Harris, is more than ready for this moment. She is one of the most qualified people ever to seek the office of the presidency.
Wow I can’t believe I got that out with a straight face. Someone owes mama a new Birkin.
And she is one of the most dignified—a tribute to her mother, to my mother, and to your mother too. The embodiment of the stories we tell ourselves about this country. Her story is your story. It’s my story. It’s the story of the vast majority of Americans trying to build a better life.
Lol. I’m incredible. Maybe it’s time to get out of politics while we’re ahead and start acting? If I could get Shonda Rhimes to write it I know these morons would eat it up.
Look, Kamala knows, like we do, that regardless of where you come from, what you look like, who you love, how you worship, or what’s in your bank account, we all deserve the opportunity to build a decent life. All of our contributions deserve to be accepted and valued. Because no one has a monopoly on what it means to be an American. No one.
I mean, I deserve a decent life. Actually a much more than decent life. I deserve an incredible life. After all, my husband is gay and half the country has been calling me a man for over a decade. Maybe you people deserve a decent life. You can still afford to take a Carnival cruise right? That’s something! But yeah we really value and accept your contributions. So much so that Kamala’s gonna raise taxes so you can contribute more! You’re welcome!
Kamala has shown her allegiance to this nation, not by spewing anger and bitterness, but by living a life of service and always pushing the doors of opportunity open to others. She understands that most of us will never be afforded the grace of failing forward. We will never benefit from the affirmative action of generational wealth.
Um, did anyone proofread this? What else would you call her career path? She dropped out like a month into the primary in 2020 because she didn’t prepare to answer for her own record, then Biden was bullied into choosing a black woman as VP and he was afraid Stacy Abrams would eat him. Six months ago our top guys were trying to figure out how to get rid of this bimbo but since our dementia patient is two weeks from croaking, she’s on the ticket. Even nepo babies aren’t this lucky.
If we bankrupt the business or choke in a crisis, we don’t get a second, third, or fourth chance. If things don’t go our way, we don’t have the luxury of whining or cheating others to get further ahead.
When we fuck up we just count on you guys to bail us out and take on the debt. Also we use our media besties to blatantly lie about our fuck ups. Then when you criticize us on social media we harass the companies until they shut you up. God it must suck being poor. I’m so glad I forgot what that was like.
No. We don’t get to change the rules, so we always win.
When this is over I need to ask Schumer and Pelosi how they’re doing on those laws to change the rules so we always win. Also who handles the state laws?
what do you think?