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The Three Levels of Hoelaween

There’s a special place in my heart for girls that wear funny or scary costumes for Halloween, because they’re such a rarity. I respect the thirst for attention they lack, because it legiterally defines me for the weekend surrounding October 31st. For me, Halloween is very much so an annual excuse to show off my body in an absolutely tasteless way that wouldn’t be acceptable any other time of year.

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On Halloween I am a machine powered by alcohol, the spirit of Mean Girls, and compliments from drunk people. I say people, because the only thing better than drunk guys screaming SOMF is a fellow straight girl that you’ve never met in your life screaming “LET ME MOTORBOAT YOU!” It truly is the most wonderful time of the year.

There are three tiers of Halloween hoochery, and I will be using the evolution of the “sexy sailor” to showcase them.

Level 1: Ariana Grande @ the iHeartRadio Music Awards

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You’re showing a little leg, maybe a little cleav, but it’s pretty PG13. You’re in the little leagues of slutty Halloween costumes. This is probably what the “Plastics” of your high school wore during the day of Halloween at school, while they were tryhard freshmen and sophomores, before they went full blown stripper over the weekends. The college freshmen just getting their first tastes of freedom that haven’t yet completely transformed into dick hungry gremlins beyond a point of return may still be dressing like this.

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Level 2: New Beyonce

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A lot more cleav, a lot more leg, and maybe even some stomach action, but still with some semblance of class. These costumes say “I might drunkenly makeout with you, possibly throw in a BJ, but I’m not about the butt stuff.”

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Level 3: Nicki Minaj’s Anaconda Cover Art

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These costumes look like they were part of the wardrobes for medium budget pornos with a plot, script and acting that was terrible from beginning to end but that you just couldn’t stop watching. You look like you’re trying to get laid, so if you aren’t be prepared to be annoyed all night.

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Choosing your level of sluttiness can be difficult. What’s appropriate is entirely up to circumstance. Are you trying to find a boyfriend on Halloween? You’re pretty dumb, but you should probably go with the Happy Meal Whore, or Level 1. Are you trying to light the fire of envy in a hating bitch’s heart? Maybe Level 3, or the Slut Supreme, is for you. Choose wisely, be safe, and Happy Hoelaween!

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