I grew up in a house that was built over 200 years before I was born. It had charm and character that’s increasingly hard to come by.
The house I bought a few years ago was a new build. I see exact copies of it sporadically throughout my county.
It’s never the kind of house I envisioned for myself.
I always pictured something with history, and dignity, built to stand the test of time.
When I was touring homes, I couldn’t envision the kind of house I really longed for within my budget, and I figured this was the best I could do.
It didn’t help that the political and economic climate at the time induced panic about my window of opportunity to ever call something my own. On top of that, I was still dealing with a heartbreak I thought I’d never recover from, and wondering if I had to give up on crossing these milestones with a man I loved.
Also, the house I saw right before the one I bought was a literal crack den, and I think seeing a normal home after something that looked like a crime scene was a shock to the senses that compromised my judgment.
I promise I really do love my house.
It comes with its own unique set of challenges, but I think everything worth doing will be difficult in some way or at some point.
My parents still live in the house I grew up in, and last year they had to replace its foundation. It seems like there’s always a squirrel in the wall. Developers keep throwing up massive apartment complexes around them on a street built for single family homes.
I know that even if I got the kind of house I’d always dreamed of, it would come with its own set of headaches.
But sometimes I wonder if I should have held out for something closer to what I always wanted.
I thought about the cheap plastic boxes that take a few months to assemble versus the homes that were designed with imagination, craftsmanship and pride in one’s work that’s on the brink of extinction.
And I thought about how we wish God would work in our lives and how He actually works.
We want God to share our sense of urgency.
We want immediate results, quick turnaround and formulaic timelines.
And when God doesn’t give them to us, more often than not, we short circuit.
But we’re begging God for a house made of cardboard while He’s building a castle.
Speaking from personal experience, God didn’t just improvise the script I’d written about how my life should go; He spit on it, shredded it and lit it on fire.
I thought I had it all figured out, and that I knew what was best for me.
And when God didn’t give it to me, I never felt more betrayed or abandoned.
I thought He knew my heart, He knew the desires that dug at my consciousness day in and day out, and He knew that I was sincerely but imperfectly trying to surrender to Him.
And of course, He did. But what I thought was cruelty or apathy on His end was anything but.
After over a year had passed, I was able to see the situation for what it really was.
God didn’t punish me and He wasn’t indifferent. It was an act of mercy.
He saved me from myself, and in doing so, He made me more like Jesus.
Where I used to feel nothing but rage and resentment for the people that wronged me I’m now able to feel compassion.
The most frustrated I’ve ever been with God brought the closest I’ve ever felt to Him.
I wish I could tell you that everything made sense now, and that my life had resolved like a fairytale, and I was comfortably in my “castle.”
But I’m not there yet.
My life is honestly kind of a mess, but I feel peace beyond understanding because I know what I’m walking towards.
“For I know the plans I have for you…plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”
That doesn’t mean I’ll get everything I’ve ever wanted or that I’ll ever be without hardship.
Like I said before, there’s nothing worth having that’s easily kept on this side of life.
And I know that I exist to serve God, not the other way around.
But God very clearly tells us that as long as our aspirations are in order (IE none supersede our relationship with Him), we’re supposed to hope, and we’re supposed to lay them at His feet.
He gave Sarah a child after a lifetime of infertility, He gave Joseph power after 12 years of slavery, and He gave Job double what He’d lost after anywhere from months to years of abject misery. And if any of them had a say in it, they probably never would have chosen what God ordained for them. If God had told them the way their lives would go, they might have been tempted to sprint in the other direction.
But I know that even if it takes longer than I think it should to get where I’m going and even if it’s more painful than I wish it was, it’s worth it, because nothing is wasted in the economy of God.
God’s plans are often slower and more laborious than what we’d ever choose for ourselves, but His rewards are much greater.
God loves us enough to ignore our pleas for a house made of sticks, and direct us towards a home made of stone. It’s our job to remain faithful while He builds it.
what do you think?