Anna – As much as we all want someone to buy us food and grab our butts, we can’t let loneliness drive us into the arms of people undeserving of our love. It’s so rare to find a guy in college that is looking for commitment, but just because a guy likes you doesn’t mean he’s right for you or that he’s in it for the right reasons. The handsome senior telling you that he’s never felt this way about a girl before may very well just be trying to get in your pants. Be smart.
Ariel – You’re young, naive and stupid and you’ll only truly understand how stupid you are in hindsight. As young girls, I think we all rooted for Ariel but watching the Little Mermaid as a kind of adult, it’s hard to empathize with her. She’s a horny sixteen year old that literally jeopardized the fate of her entire kingdom over a guy she had known for less than a week. And no wonder King Triton destroyed that statue of Prince Eric- had he not, that movie would have gotten really weird really fast.
Aurora – The importance of beauty sleep and staying lowkey. Aurora wasn’t the type of girl that would instawhore herself and sell her organs for attention. She wouldn’t be the girl broadcasting her every inhale, exhale and fart on twitter. She kept a low profile, being raised in the prairie by her lesbian aunts, and that’s how she met her prince. You know what kind of guys you attract by forcing your ass and/or cleavage into every picture you post on social media? Creeps. The same creeps you go on to tweet incessantly about. Shut up. Also, when everything hits the fan, sometimes a nap is the most viable solution.
Belle – Belle taught us that being smart is more important than being taken care of and that your education should be a priority (looking at all you girls pursuing your MRS degree). You should be cute, but you should be able to hold an intelligent conversation. She also taught us that sometimes, the scrub in cargo shorts just needs a girlfriend with better taste than him, while the rich, good looking, well groomed asshole couldn’t be taught respect or decency if his life depended on it.
Cinderella – Cinderella teaches us the importance of presentation and being fashionably late. Would Prince Charming have noticed her if she rolled in with all the basics as soon as the party started? Probably not. So it’s okay if the pregame/getting ready process delays you. It’s better to arrive late than ugly and sober. Also, being drunk enough that you lose a shoe is not necessarily a bad thing.
Elsa – Maybe your nose is a little crooked. Maybe your lips are a little thin. Maybe you’re kind of a psycho. But these things make you who you are, and they don’t need to be concealed, corrected or apologized for. You have to learn to love and accept yourself as you are if you ever want to be happy. But your habits, when not controlled, can hurt the people closest to you. Don’t be drunk at home on a Wednesday afternoon. Your mother will cry and try to check you into rehab.
Jasmine – Jasmine taught us the importance of a well executed temper tantrum, as she was able to get almost anything she wanted from her father with a fierce enough pout. She also taught us the importance of never settling and playing hard to get. The girl had princes from all over the world lining up for her hand in marriage, bringing her precious gems and exotic animals. But none of them were what she wanted, so she sent them packing with out a second thought. Know your worth like Jasmine knew hers.
Merida – Merida taught us that you don’t have to be anyone you’re not. If you’re not comfortable sleeping around, you don’t have to. If you’re not a relationship person, you don’t have to pretend to be one. If your idea of success is cooking dinner for your family every night, keeping your husband happy and having a well decorated home, you don’t have to become a marine biologist to impress anyone. In the words of Kacey Musgraves, follow your arrow.
Mulan – Like Merida, Mulan teaches us to be true to ourselves, but also that we can do anything a guy can do without special treatment. If you push yourself hard enough and are determined, you can become the CEO or a lawyer or a doctor or a marine and the only person standing in your way is you.
Pocahontas – Some douchebags can be rehabilitated. Maybe he’s drunk 99% of the time and won’t stop using TFM terminology in real life, but underneath the hefty layer of asshole, possibly lies a heart of gold and boyfriend material.
Rapunzel – Trust no bitch, seriously. Some people only keep you around for what you can do for them. And find a guy that loves you without your extensions. The beauty and power that you think lies in extensions in makeup is actually within you.
Snow White – Be careful about the substances you abuse in college. Drug dealers are really sketchy. And of course you love your girlfriends and your sorority sisters, but guy friends are essential to your sanity. They’ll have your back and generally be honest with you. If your makeup makes you look like a drag queen and your outfit makes you look like a prostitute, they’ll tell you. Things can get weird if someone catches feelings, but as long as things remain platonic, your guy friends will be your saviors.
Tiana – You know how Leo DiCaprio made that huge speech in The Wolf of Wall Street about there being no nobility in poverty? I have to disagree. Of course I’d rather be rich than poor, but I’d rather make an honest, modest living than sell my soul in the name of luxury. Tiana teaches us that while you shouldn’t rely on a man to make your dreams come true (again, looking at you girls getting your MRS degrees), it doesn’t hurt to have someone by your side that loves you.