I grew up in a kind of weird church, with a very strict interpretation of the Bible. We never celebrated Easter, operating under the belief that we were supposed to recognize the death and resurrection of Christ every Sunday with communion, not with a special holiday.
Growing up, I was taught that my church was the one true church, but as I’ve grown older and had some distance from my family, I’ve become more curious about other expressions of Christianity, and questioned if what I had accepted as true was the result of hard fought biblical wrestling or what I was told by adults when I was young and impressionable.
I don’t know what it was about this year, but for the first time, I felt a pull towards Lent, but because of the way I grew up, I was hesitant.
Two weeks after it started, I decided that I would give up something for 40 days, and the delayed timeline made me more comfortable with it.
It had to be a real challenge. It had to be something I would actually miss. Giving up alcohol for 40 days wouldn’t be that hard for me since it’s mostly just a weekend thing for me, and it’s not even every weekend at that. I would’ve actually loved to go dark on social media for more than 40 days, so that didn’t seem honest. Giving up the gym would’ve been too difficult for me, and I don’t think it makes sense to give up something that’s ultimately a productive, positive habit that requires discipline to maintain.
What I landed on was television. For 40 days, I wouldn’t watch any shows or movies – and that was a big deal for me. It’s a daily activity for me. Sometimes I’d put it on for background noise during the day or have it on while I was cleaning or doing other chores, sometimes I was watching intently, but my tv was almost always on.
In the first week or so, it didn’t feel like much was happening. For the most part, I felt like I was just resisting a reflex. I didn’t notice any major changes.
It’s been a recurring theme in my walk with God. I do something because I want to obey Him, and I want to grow closer to Him, and even though I’ve accepted that God rarely works the way I wish He would, a small, stubborn part of me always holds out for these immediate and obvious epiphanies, but it never seems to happen that way. I do what I think He’s called me to, and all is quiet.
And then one day, without warning, I’m different. I’m better. I’m lighter. And if I’m lucky, I even manage to salvage some understanding.
I didn’t expect that to happen with my tv fast, but it did. Out of nowhere, it was like a switch flipped. I felt like another person. I was unusually organized. I was in a routine. I was cleaning my house like someone was paying me to do it tax-free. I was energized and upbeat, with a lust for life that I couldn’t explain.
It’s not permanent…or at least not in the way I wish it was.
I will never be immune to frustration, distress or lethargy.
But the more God works in my life, and the more I submit to Him, the less trapped I feel by my humanity.
I know that I’ll always be susceptible to my emotions, and it won’t always be easy to reconcile them with what I know God says. But the more I surrender to Him, the more progress I make. Even though I know I’m a broken person in a broken world that will never be perfect, I can still feel Him transforming me.
Even when I do regress, even when I find myself defeated by my shortcomings, or in the depths of despair, struggling to find motivation, on some level I know that it’s only a matter of time before the peace, the joy and the vitality I once knew find their way back to me.
I’m not a podcast person, but I did eventually start watching one of my favorite comedians’ shows on YouTube. I guess depending on your perspective, it could be considered a loophole, but I didn’t see it that way. It didn’t scratch the same itch for me.
Still, I noticed how quickly it spiraled. What started as one or two episodes while cleaning or unwinding devolved into mindless bingeing. I was procrastinating, avoiding responsibilities, and ended up feeling like I’d replaced one stumbling block with another.
The truth is, we can turn anything into an idol, a vice, a distraction, no matter how good or noble it is on the surface. Exercise can easily be turned into vanity, sobriety can turn into self righteousness, and romantic love can become more important to us than God’s love.
I wasn’t too upset with myself, because it just reinforced something that I had already learned. When we make significant progress as Christians, and have even limited success in overcoming a temptation, it’s easy to think we’re too strong, too improved, too sanctified to go backwards. I wish it were true, but that’s not the way we operate.
As human beings we are fragile, we are foolish, we are fallible – and we always will be. And as much as we can grow in Christ, none of us can outgrow human nature.
But thankfully, that doesn’t mean our efforts are in vain.
Thankfully, even if our walk with God feels more like a waltz than a forward march, it’s still moving in the right direction. And even when our flesh pulls us backwards, we can lean on our Lord, and count on Him to pull us towards what we desperately need and don’t deserve.
I don’t know if next year I’ll fully commit to observing Lent, but I do know this: when fasting and sacrifice are done with the right intentions, they bring us closer to Him.
So whether I do it with the rest of the Christian world or on my own, I’ll keep finding things to lay down before the Lord.
Because even though it won’t make me invincible, it will refine me, it will restore me, it will renew me.
And little by little, day by day, it will help me become the woman God made me to be.
what do you think?