I Don’t Want To Hate Pickleball…But I Do

I don’t want to hate pickleball. The paddles are much more compact and easier to carry around, and there are way cuter options for them than tennis rackets. So many people play it. I’ve been told it’s a great way to meet hot guys and socialize. 

But at what cost?

Maybe I wouldn’t feel so strongly if bars weren’t broadcasting their games on televisions like it was something worth watching instead of a geriatric hobby. 

Maybe I wouldn’t feel so strongly if it weren’t masquerading as a sport, or if these ridiculous people with their child sized equipment weren’t invading and conquering tennis courts, taking valuable playing time from actual athletes so they could cosplay as athletes – even with some new outrageous facility being built for them every 6 months.

Maybe I wouldn’t feel so strongly if there weren’t pickleball courts next to one of my favorite beaches taking up prime real estate, but tennis courts nowhere to be found, robbing me of the opportunity to get an intense workout in and immediately reward myself with a dip in the ocean and a cold tequila water.

But alas, I have a visceral, borderline violent aversion to pickleball and I’ve decided to waste your time and mine explaining it.

I don’t want to hate pickleball…but I do.

On some level, I hate pickleball because I feel like it somehow strips tennis of everything elegant and dignified about the sport…and everything that makes it a sport in the first place. You just stand there, on that court made for Keebler elves, shuffling maybe a foot in each direction, hitting that toddler’s toy back and forth and pretending you’ve accomplished something. It would be cute if it were just for seniors and/or children and/or people with physical disabilities, but it’s depressing watching grown, fully functional men and women with 401Ks do that.

I understand that pickleball is a less intimidating alternative to tennis, with a much lower barrier to entry. Trust me when I say that if anyone understands how embarrassing and humbling tennis can be, it’s me.

I went to tennis camp every summer for 5 or 6 years, and for most of those summers, I sucked. I had terrible hand-eye coordination. The majority of the camp was organized between four courts, with Court 1 players being the best of the “regular kids,” with coaches from the elite, competitive teams (Challengers and Team USA) keeping an eye on them, and Court 4 being the worst. For most of those summers, I was on Court 3 or 4. I think it was my fourth summer when I finally moved to Court 2, and eventually Court 1 – but quit shortly after deciding to lock in and continue lessons during the school year.

Tennis camp was always fun to me, and for the most part, I didn’t take it too seriously. But even in grade school, I remember wanting to be better than I was. I remember walking past Court 1 on my way to Siberia (Court 4), and feeling pangs of jealousy and shame, knowing I wanted to be with the talented players.

And I guess I feel like if elementary school me was motivated enough to do something I was bad at until I improved, my current peers should be too. I don’t understand why so many adults choose to play a dumbed down, infantilized version of an incredible game instead of committing to the real thing.

In all seriousness, I love tennis so much because it’s the one time I feel like my brain fully turns off. At the gym, I could be fighting for my life on the stairmaster, but I still find myself distracted, and my mind wandering. “Did I lock my door?” “Have I checked my email today?” “Will I ever love again?” When I’m playing tennis, all that exists is the game, and all I care about is winning. And as exhausting as it is, it’s fun – no matter how poorly you’re playing.

I was watching trash tv the other day, and a man in his 60s was playing an intense game of tennis with a man in his 40s. They played regularly – and full matches at that, not just rallies. One was a real estate agent and one was a restauranteur; there was nothing physically outstanding about these men. The episode originally aired in the early 2010s, and I couldn’t help but fixate on the fact that a decade later, 20 somethings and 30 somethings couldn’t be bothered to put in the effort of a man that qualified for an AARP membership.

Not to be dramatic, but I feel like the pickleball craze is just another symptom of American decline. Not to be dramatic, but pickleball is why China is winning. Not to be dramatic, but this pastime would’ve never taken off in the country we used to be.

It feels like it really picked up steam during the Biden administration – and I don’t think that’s a coincidence. It’s like trickle down economics but for vibrational deterioration. At the very top, we have a nursing home patient on the loose shitting his pants and falling up the stairs. And at the bottom, we have young, hot people playing a “sport” intended for him.

Kimberly Noel Kardashian once said “get your fucking ass up and work. It seems like no one wants to work these days” and they hated her for speaking the truth. No one wants to work, no one wants to do hard things, and no one wants to play real sports! 

If you have some kind of special medical condition that makes tennis too hard for you, keep playing pickleball. But if you’re able bodied and healthy with full mobility, I urge you to put down the paddle and pick up a racket. Not just for yourself, but for your nation.