Around midnight on Saturday, I opened the bottle of Veuve that’s been sitting in my fridge for 6 months, and took a swig.
It was my first alcoholic beverage in half a year.
I’ve already written at length about why I decided to take a break and what I’d learned midway through it, but it felt like something that I had to write about at its conclusion.
Throughout this process, I didn’t want to do anything that would distort my mind, and I accomplished that with one exception.
On my sabbatical, I tried kava, kratom, and CBD infused drinks just because they were available. I thought of them like mocktails. They didn’t really do much for me, but they were something to drink besides water, and made me feel like less of a nuisance to bartenders.
A week before the 6 month mark, I went to a concert and I ordered what I thought was the same as the CBD drinks I’d had before, only to realize after the fact that it was THC infused, and had a much more dramatic effect on me.
But besides that accident, I really did maintain sobriety of mind.
Sometimes it seemed natural, and I wondered if I’d make it permanent. Sometimes it seemed impossible, and I felt like I was using every ounce of my willpower to abstain from alcohol.
I know it wasn’t really my achievement. I know it wasn’t my own strength or fortitude that kept me faithful, but my Father in heaven carrying me through when my own mind and flesh were ready to give into temptation.
It was a massive adjustment, and it taught me to depend on God in totality. It taught me to lay not just my despair before him, but my insecurities, my nerves, and my panic.
I guess I knew that I could and should turn to God in devastation and loss but it wasn’t until I stopped drinking that I understood that I could and should lean on Him in the day to day interactions where I was overwhelmed with self doubt and paralyzed by my own mind.
I felt closer to God, not because I think casual, controlled drinking creates some kind of automatic barrier; but because when you drink for the wrong reasons, you’re depending on a substance when God wants you to depend on Him, and temporarily cutting out alcohol forced me to do that.
Before I took my break, I noticed that when I did go overboard, there was often an open bar or something close to it involved.
During my hiatus there were multiple occasions where I could have had as many drinks as I wanted at no cost to myself, and where people were practically begging to buy me drinks.
Only time will tell, but my hope is that having to say no over and over in those circumstances gave me the self control I need when I’m tempted by excess without the constraints of my own budget holding me back.
I thought about making an exception after Charlie Kirk was assassinated, but ultimately decided against it.
I feared that if I made one caveat, it could pave a slippery slope for others and before I knew it, I would have compromised my progress and ultimately failed at what I set out to do.
And I knew that part of the problem for me in the first place was turning to intoxicants under distress, so it felt like it would have defeated the purpose to give myself permission to drink following a tragedy.
This phase didn’t kill my desire to drink, but it did kill my desire for drunkenness.
Going out dead sober month after month, I saw with clear eyes what I never wanted to look like again.
I’d like for that to mean “I’ll never get drunk again,” but I don’t know that it does.
I don’t say that because I don’t take God’s warnings seriously, but because every time I’ve thought I “conquered” a sin, life has humbled me, and I’ve realized how fragile it all is.
Full disclosure, on Saturday night, I did go out with a friend, and I did drink more than I intended to. I wasn’t really surprised because it was such a shock to my body. But as I reintroduce it and my system adapts, I want to learn my limits and stick to them. And if I can’t do that, I’ll give it up for good.
If I talked about it too much to people I know in real life, I’m sorry. I just noticed how often conversations – especially among women my age – often veer towards dating and work, and I was excited about having something else to discuss. I liked having a goal that I was making tangible progress on. I liked feeling in control of something when so much seemed unpredictable.
If you struggle with over indulgence – especially if you’re driven by things like social anxiety – I urge you to try something like this.
I don’t know if it will solve your problems, and I don’t know if it solved mine, but I do think it changed me for the better and that even if I stumble, I’m moving in the right direction.
what do you think?