I don’t know if this is just a delusional me thing, or something that a significant number of people can relate to. Actually, as I was writing this, my mind wandered back to the Israelites in the desert, and I recognized this as a feature of humanity; not a bug.
But recently, it often seems like my life is on a never-ending commercial break. Like I’m trapped on that channel on hotel room televisions where they’re playing internal ads on a loop.
It’s like nothing is happening. Or I guess not enough is happening.
And logically, I know that things actually are happening, and much worse things could be happening.
I had what I hope is the closest I ever come to my own Job era a couple years ago, and I remember it well.
I remember feeling like I couldn’t catch a break, and like every time I reached what I thought was rock bottom, the ground would open up beneath me just to show me how much further I could fall. Before I could even begin to process one catastrophe, it seemed like I was being hit with another.
And I remember feeling like God was my adversary, and struggling to accept what He said about Himself in Scripture because it seemed so far from how He was treating me.
It didn’t seem like He loved me, or knew me, or cared if I lived or died to be honest.
Luckily, I don’t feel that way anymore.
As tempted as I was to let go of Him, and as fragile as my faith was for months on end, I knew on some level that God was real, and who He said He was even if everything about my life at the time seemed like evidence to the contrary. And my heart eventually caught up with my head.
But even knowing all I’ve been through and all that God has taken me out of, there’s this nagging part of me that feels like something should be happening that isn’t.
Logically I know that things are changing. I just started a new part time job, and will finally get some of the financial breathing room I’ve desperately needed.
I recently finished reading the New Testament in order for the first time in my life and am currently working my way through the Old Testament.
I’m much more gentle, forgiving and content than I once was even though I know I still have plenty of room to grow.
But I still feel stagnant, and like things should be changing more rapidly and dramatically than they actually are.
I don’t know if it’s impatience. That’s probably part of it. I know that years to us are a second to God, and that as cliche as it sounds, His timing really is perfect.
But if I’m being real, I think I’ve been patient. Spiritually, professionally, socially, and romantically.
But I think more than that, there’s a part of me that’s afraid that if something doesn’t happen soon, it won’t happen at all.
If I don’t have some major breakthrough in my career, form more meaningful friendships and find love in the near future, I’m afraid that this is all my life will ever be. Struggling to keep a roof over my head in a neighborhood I hate, more polite conversation than genuine connection, and without the one thing I know I’ve always wanted.
And I know that I’m not just supposed to wait around for God to perform miracles; I need to use my agency and take action where I can. I haven’t done that perfectly. But objectively, I have done a lot to try to improve my circumstances, and I’m disappointed with what my efforts have yielded.
I think if my life remained exactly as it is today, with all its challenges and troubles, I could make peace with it. I know that God is good not just intellectually, but intimately and emotionally. It’s not something I feel like I have to convince myself of anymore.
But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t hope for drastic and imminent change. And even if I can accept disappointment, I think a part of me is afraid that I’d resent God for the rest of my life if this was its peak.
As I wrestled with these fears and emotions, I remembered what’s arguably both the silliest and strongest example of delayed gratification in my life.
From 2020 to 2025, I was stuck at 5,000 followers on Instagram.
It seemed like following COVID and my criticism of the policies that followed, my account was shot to hell and never bounced back.
And in hindsight, I know there are things I could have and should have been doing differently.
I know everyone that has an underperforming selfie thinks they’re being shadow banned but I promise it just got too weird to be explained away with “the algorithm.”
I remember one night in the summer of 2024, my account being flagged for “nonconsensual sexual imagery” or “sexual violence” over a MEME I shared three years prior of white text over a black screen that read “this entire ‘presidency’ is like being tied to a chair and watching a toddler play with a loaded pistol.” That’s literally it. It wasn’t even a post on my feed; it was a story and it wasn’t highlighted.
For a long time it felt like I was posting into the void, and after a certain point I just kind of accepted it.
Instagram wasn’t what it used to be, and there was nothing I could do about it. Oh well. No one was dying.
But I remember this one day in particular where I had posted something that had gotten the most pathetic engagement I’d seen since I started my account. I had something like 10 likes in 2 hours. And it wasn’t even like it was a hit to my ego; it wasn’t a picture of me and it wasn’t really about me. It was about God.
And what was so frustrating was that I knew it was the kind of thing that would resonate with my audience, but for whatever reason, it seemed like Instagram had made a blood oath, vowing to never let anyone that followed me see anything I shared.
That was the one time I remember considering giving up posting altogether and deleting my account once and for all. I didn’t care about getting famous, but if I couldn’t actually reach the people that had willingly decided to follow me and would be thwarted at every corner, what was the point? Why was I even trying? Why was I wasting my time?
And then without warning, a huge influencer that never followed me and that I never followed shared the post. And it got more traction than anything I’d posted in months.
It might sound insane, but it seemed like the sign I needed not to abandon the platform altogether. So I kept posting.
And almost exactly a year later, it started growing exponentially.
But in the year between the post that got 10 likes in 2 hours and my first post to break a million views I had no reason to believe the latter would ever happen.
There were 5 years of feeling like the work I put in would never produce results. And one day, without warning, it did.
And the point isn’t that if you just wait a little longer, or pray a little harder, everything you want will be granted to you.
There are blessings you may never receive, no matter how pure your intentions, no matter how obedient you are and no matter how hard you try for them.
But what looks hopeless to you may not be what it seems. And what you assume is God’s silence, indifference or unwillingness to help you could be anything but.
The first time you read about the Israelites in the desert after being freed from Egypt, it’s easy to scoff at them in disbelief. It’s easy to recognize their ingratitude and absurdity thousands of years later, completely removed from their journey. It’s easy to mock them and tell yourself that would never be you. But the more you read it, and the closer you become to your Creator, you realize that literally is you. Or at least it has been at some point.
I complain about the house I begged God for 4 years ago, the job I begged God for 2 years ago, and the visibility I begged God for a year ago.
And in the name of transparency, I don’t think I’m inventing or exaggerating my grievances.
But I need to challenge myself to keep my focus on what God has done for me that He never had to instead of what I’m afraid He never will.
Trust God when He says no, when He says yes, when He says not right now and when you have no idea what He’s saying. Because whether or not you understand Him, and whether or not you get what you think you want when you think you want it, He’s the one element in our lives that we know will remain the same.
what do you think?