I’ve said it before and I’ll probably say it again many times over, but I absolutely abhor modern dating discourse – especially online. There are so many people that know how to say just enough that makes you think they’re worth listening to. There are nuggets of wisdom and timeless truths scattered throughout their musings. But the loudest and most viral voices online are often encouraging men and women to treat one another like replaceable props to be used and discarded for personal gain.
We’ve all seen clips of Andrew Tate and his ilk encouraging men to indulge their worst instincts without a care in the world for the women they interact with.
What he promotes is empty, degenerate, and primarily fueled by rage and resentment – and some of it is arguably warranted. But there’s another side of the equation that’s rarely discussed, though I’d argue it’s comparably sinister and insidious.
What I want to talk about are the women on social media urging the rest of us to be calculated, detached and ruthless in “romance,” advising long cons on securing “high value men” instead of actually pursuing love.
I realize this isn’t an entirely new phenomenon, and that women have been using men for security while men have been using women for pleasure as long as we’ve existed. But what feels uniquely modern is how shamelessly this behavior is now taught, proclaimed and celebrated.
We see it hidden behind humor, making light of it with memes and justifying it with deflections to how men mistreat women. It’s normalized with videos of 20 somethings flaunting the luxury gifts they received from men old enough to be their grandfathers, it’s romanticized with “soft life” aesthetics and deceptive diatribes about “divine femininity.”
But at its core, it tells women to give up on the love we yearn for deep down, harden our hearts, manipulate for sport, and treat relationships like a zero sum game to be won as opposed to a gift from God – ultimately because we’ve lost trust in Him to give it.
First and foremost, I get it.
I know what it’s like to love honestly and earnestly, and have it feel more like a liability than an asset. It can feel like the women that plot and scheme with their eyes on the bottom line are the only ones that are actually rewarded. It can feel stupid and naive to prioritize compatibility or genuine connection when unflinching pragmatism seems to win every time.
When it feels like God is either indifferent to or punishing your sincerity, vulnerability, and hope, it makes logical sense to abandon them.
But it’s disobedience masquerading as self protection, and usually ends up causing more problems than it prevents.
When Sarah went year after year without giving birth, she stopped trusting God and forced her husband to sleep with their handmaid only to immediately regret it.
Rebekah knew that Jacob was favored from birth, but still didn’t seem to trust God to make good on his promises – so deceived her husband to steal her first son’s blessing.
When Moses took “too long” to return from Mount Sinai, the Israelites let fear drive them to erect the golden calf and started worshipping an idol because they didn’t think they could depend on God.
We have this horrible habit of getting frustrated with God’s timeline, and whether we intend to or not, turning to sin to save the day.
And that’s exactly the kind of thinking that fuels so much of the weaponized femininity flourishing online.
But what we try to take for ourselves because we don’t trust God to provide never comes close to what He intended for us.
After scrolling through enough of the wrong hashtags on social media, we convince ourselves that the same God that inspired the all encompassing passion of Song of Solomon wants us to end up with a man we tolerate in exchange for vacations and nice bags – and that He’s depending on our evil to secure this consolation prize.
Like I said, I don’t think this is a first resort for most women. After one too many disappointments, I understand wanting to turn off your emotions, follow a formula and take your life into your own hands.
The girls that don’t care, that treat men like resources, and are ready to cut them loose at the first inconvenience without hesitation seem to have something figured out.
I think before most women start entertaining this dogma, we ask the same questions that have been cried out to God since the beginning of time.
“Why do bad things happen to good people?”
I understand that to be a Christian is to know that none of us are actually “good.” But we all know the feeling of trying to do things by the book, with integrity and honor, only to feel like shortcuts and uncompromising self interest are what win in the end.
“Why does the way of the wicked prosper? Why do all the faithless live at ease?” (Jeremiah 12: 1)
“Why do the wicked live on, growing old and increasing in power?…They spend their years in prosperity and go down to the grave in peace.” (Job 21:7-13)
“But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold. For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked…” (Psalm 73:2-3)
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this comes up so often, and I’d be lying if I said the scriptures had completely silenced the sentiment for me.
The Bible’s answers to these questions have always left me wanting for more.
“When I tried to understand all this, it troubled me deeply till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny.” (Psalm 73:16-17)
“Do not fret because of evildoers or be envious of the wicked, for the evildoer has no future hope, and the lamp of the wicked will be snuffed out.” (Proverbs 24:19-20)
“Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong; for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away.” (Psalm 37:1-2)
Sometimes the explanations offered felt more like ancient greeting card one liners than a serious explanation.
I think the closest we get is when God finally answers Job.
His rebuttal is overwhelming, sobering and profound. And it still never actually answers Job’s questions (or ours) but instead reminds us who we are in comparison to Him.
And maybe that’s the point.
I saw a reel on Instagram where this preacher said that when we don’t trust God’s plan for our lives, when we assume He’s somehow forgotten us, whether or not we realize it, it’s rooted in pride.
“Most of us actually think we know better than God how our life ought to go, and if it’s not going right, we get anxious, we get filled with self pity, we get scornful, we get skeptical, we just get hard and cynical. But actually patience and the ability to not worry and not really be upset when things are going on in your life is essentially a kind of humility…It takes humility to say ‘well I thought this was how my life ought to go but I don’t know. How do I know? How do I know what God can see? I can’t see the end from the beginning’…It takes pride to be worried. It takes a lot of pride [to say] I know how my life ought to go and I’m afraid God’s not going to get it right.”
It’s natural to doubt, despair and to be tempted. It’s human to wonder what God’s doing in your life and to want control.
But to truly pursue the heart of Christ, you have to choose love, perseverance and trust in the Lord even when it doesn’t make sense to you. And those traits can’t meaningfully coexist in someone transactional, strategic and cunning in their relationships.
We may never know why God allows certain hardship in our lives, or why the world operates the way it does.
But if faith was easy, what would it be worth?
If God gave us everything we wanted, exactly when we wanted it, how could we actually learn surrender? Why would we need to in the first place?
God tells us to trust Him so often, probably because it’s so hard for us to do.
But trust God more than you trust Tik Tok, more than you trust statistics, and more than you trust yourself.
He never said it would be easy, but He did promise it would be worth it.
The world will tell you that it’s empowering to numb yourself and even embrace cruelty, but the only power that lasts or matters comes from an almighty and sovereign God that knows you, loves you, and had a plan for your life before it began.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to live comfortably. But if you’re chasing a tax bracket at the expense of your character and because you’ve given up hope in God’s, it’s time to stop relying on your “feminine energy” and kneel before your Father.
I can only speak for myself, but I’m not willing to trade a soft heart for a soft life.
what do you think?