Despite my title, this isn’t about skincare, genetics, or beef tallow. I honestly don’t think there’s anything special about getting carded at 31, but I have been complimented a lot on an alleged glow over the past year or so, and if there’s any validity to it, I think it has more to do with what’s going on internally than any recent Amazon finds or Tik Tok tips.
I know this is usually the kind of thing that people reserve for birthdays, but I think the idea that we’re supposed to wait for milestones to reflect is stunted, and stunts us. I originally started drafting a “life lessons” post ahead of my 30th birthday, but I never got around to publishing it – and I’m glad I didn’t.
At the time, I was borderline blinded by wrath and resentment, and it was bleeding into everything. Looking back at what I wrote over a year ago, I barely recognize it, and it confirmed to me how transformative, and ultimately, beneficial the hardest year of my life was.
On the other side of it, I feel like I have a much more grounded perspective that I hope can help someone else.
Identity, Discernment, Etc.
1. Think for yourself. Seriously. Don’t outsource your opinions to other people, or mindlessly regurgitate things because everyone else does. When something doesn’t make sense to you, challenge it.
2. People that are constantly proclaiming their identities in anything but Christ – whether that’s their “alpha” status, their “femininity,” their “empathy,” their race, their tax bracket or their sexuality, are rarely who they claim to be. More often than not, they’re compensating for something and looking for validation from all the wrong places.
3. I remember being terrified of turning 23, everyone freaking out about turning 25, crying the night before my 29th birthday.
Yes, I think about my biological clock. I don’t think any of us – no matter our circumstances – are immune to worrying about the future. But when I contemplate who I am at 31 physically, mentally and emotionally, I don’t think that aging was something I was ever supposed to be afraid of. When I look at pictures of myself or things I wrote or the men I dated 2 years ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago, I don’t feel like my best years are behind me.
4. Intuition is one of the most precious gifts God gives us. Never waste it.
5. Develop a personality outside of your politics or health habits. There are people that make fun of “NPCs” or “normies” for only talking about sports and tv shows and it’s a fair criticism, but if you can’t hold a conversation without bringing up the Deep State or seed oils you might just be the other side of the same coin.
6. Stand firm in your convictions, but don’t let ideology become your identity or an idol. Politics will ruin you, erode your morals and turn you into someone you can’t look in the mirror if you let it.
7. Don’t let anyone but God tell you who you are, who you’re supposed to be or what you’re supposed to be doing.
Mental/Emotional/Physical Health
8. Never respond to someone when you’re overwhelmed with negative emotion. Whether you need an hour, a day, or a week, take the time you need to engage when you’re seeing clearly, and you’ve stopped seeing red.
9. Understand your emotions. I don’t mean that in a $200/hour therapy session way, or that you need to spend hours at a time navel gazing, but when you feel something that confuses you, or embarrasses you, or you otherwise struggle with, don’t try to dismiss it or pretend it’s something it’s not. I don’t know that we can ever truly control what we feel, but we can acknowledge it, lay it at the Lord’s feet, and ask Him to do what we can’t.
10. Stop arguing with stupid people. Praying for them is about the best you can do.
11. Weight gain sneaks up on you. It looks like nothing’s changing, you get a little too lazy with your gym routine and get a little too greedy on Uber Eats and before you know it you broke the zipper on your favorite romper. Be proactive.
12. Unless you have some serious medical condition or recently gave birth, stop settling for a body you aren’t proud of. When I started going to the gym consistently, I started losing weight. When I started eating one meal a day, I lost more. When I started cooking at home, paying attention to ingredients, and walking, I lost even more.
We’re all different and not all of us can or should be size 0s. But unless you’re training for a professional sumo wrestling career, we both know that being a size 22 was never the plan. There’s a lot of information out there and it’s hard to know who to listen to. But it always comes down to moving more and eating less. If you know you’re capable of better than what you’ve accepted for yourself, be it.
13. At the same time, honor your body without worshipping it. Get your exercise and eat well without letting the numbers on the scale or the tape measure make you crazy or determine your worth.
14. As I’ve previously mentioned, I’m taking a 6 month break from alcohol. I wish I would’ve done something like this sooner as someone anxious and awkward, that used it as a crutch in uncomfortable social situations, because none of us need it as much as we think we do. I’ve had so much fun over the past 4 months without a drop of liquor on my lips. I’ve felt apprehensive, I’ve felt self conscious, but instead of gulping down doubles and hoping they’d resolve it, I was forced to confront my feelings and move past them. Drinking is fun and militantly sober people annoy me, but depending on it – or anything but God – for confidence is almost always going to end in disaster.
15. A culture that tells you to “put yourself first,” to cut people off at the first hint of conflict, that rebrands selfishness and sloth as “boundaries” is leading you in the opposite direction of Christ. Of course you should take care of yourself, of course you should choose your company carefully, and of course you have limits that should be respected. But “self love” is a slippery slope, and if we aren’t careful, it will subtly but surely turn our hearts away from heaven.
16. We have a habit of robbing ourselves of joy when we don’t have to. Maybe we’re single, and convinced life doesn’t start until we’re in a relationship. Maybe we’re barren, and can’t think about anything but conceiving. Maybe we’re health conscious, and can’t make a dinner reservation without having a panic attack. I remember reading a quote that said, “worrying is like worshipping the problem” and I think it’s true. We aren’t imagining our issues – but neither our fear nor obsession can fix them.
I think part of the reason God is so adamant about us surrendering what seems out of reach is because it frees us to notice and enjoy what He has given us.
Maybe we’re single, not because God is indifferent to the desires of our hearts, but because God cared enough to spare us from the wrong spouse. Maybe God allowed us to experience the devastation of infertility to give us time alone with our husbands to grow in strength, intimacy and affection that we’ll never get back. Maybe a life filled with love and laughter over an occasional meal with iffy ingredients is more important than a life completely free of toxins.
Friendship
17. Quality of company > quantity of company. You’re better off with 5 friends you respect of noble character than 30 weak willed losers with no standards.
18. If a person seems like they would make great reality television for any reason other than good one liners – IE they’re constantly creating drama, contradicting themselves, and behaving like they never graduated Euphoria high school even though their 10 year reunion has come and gone, avoid them like the plague.
19. Surround yourself with people that ask interesting questions.
20. Insecure women make terrible friends. I don’t mean that you should never be friends with someone that second guesses herself, that wrestles with self doubt or needs reassurance. But if insecurity seems more like a fixture in someone’s life than something they experience occasionally or temporarily, you won’t be able to trust her. Everything you have to offer, everything you accomplish, every blessing you receive will feel like an attack on her, and no matter what she says to your face, she’ll be silently rooting against you whether she realizes it or not.
Romance
21. Insecure men also make terrible lovers. When I say insecure, I don’t mean a guy asking you to change your outfit or unfollow your ex. I mean a man that seems uncomfortable in his own skin, constantly trying to prove himself, performing something for the world. A man that doesn’t know who he is will only leave you with headaches and heartbreak.
22. By the time a woman is 25, I think she should decide if it’s more important to her to be married or find love. Of course, you can marry young and marry for love. But I’m saying if a woman hits her mid 20s single, she should start thinking about what she would choose if she had to, because it’s not the kind of choice to make on a whim or under pressure. Some women care more about companionship than chemistry, and some care about passion more than practicality. Personally, I’d rather die alone than marry a man I don’t actually love. But we all have different needs and nonnegotiables, and I think 25 is a good age to really nail them down.
Love In General
23. Loving people will destroy you. Do it anyway. God restores.
24. If you feel the urge to call a friend you haven’t talked to in years and tell them you miss them, if you think something kind about your sister even though you’re fighting, if you notice something nice about a stranger, say it. Even if you’re worried about rejection, even if you don’t want to be the one to speak first, even if you think it will be awkward. The devil wants you to withhold love. Don’t listen to him.
Faith
25. Everything God tells us to do (and not to do) is for our own good, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
26. The world isn’t fair but God is. Even when you’ve been violated, betrayed or cheated in a way that you can’t make sense of, trust in Him, trust His plan, and trust that your pain is not in vain. It’s much more easily said than done, but it’s well worth the effort.
27. You will never understand God. Trust Him anyway.
28. The sooner you develop a relationship with God and start the process of true surrender, the better. Even though I’ve technically been in the church my whole life, I know what it feels like to roll your eyes when people start talking about Jesus, to feel like even though you know God is real, He doesn’t care, or like you can pick and choose what commands to obey. I know what it feels like to sit through sermon after sermon and feel nothing, to think the world offers more opportunity, comfort and understanding than Christ ever will. But it’s all an illusion, and a fragile one at that. Every answer, every gift worth having, everything that actually matters is found in our Lord and Savior.
29. Don’t conflate Christians with Christianity. Christians are people, and people will always fall short. But don’t let your inevitable disappointment in your brothers and sisters keep you away from your Father.
30. Revenge is God’s job, and He does it better than we ever could.
31. Forgiveness doesn’t come naturally to me at all, but what’s helped me most is thinking about Jesus on the cross, moments before He’s about to die, saying “forgive them Father for they know not what they do.” While people may know on some level that what they’re doing is wrong, or inconsiderate, or will impact you negatively, for the most part, they have no concept of how deeply they’re hurting you. They think they’re twisting your ankle when they’re actually tearing your ACL. And we’ve all hurt someone we didn’t intend to or more than we thought we did; we do it to God every time we sin. And if He can forgive us, we should push ourselves to do the same.
what do you think?