When I lay on the floor it is adorable and tragic.
How about a charity that helps women who want to look bangable at work?
Who I have been is not who I’m going to be.
I don’t think they thought I would ever go, so they invited me to be polite. But no, I did go. And after four vodka sodas, I realized I had something to say.
Gwen: Well your life is not a romantic comedy. Right now it seems more like a sad documentary about a criminally insane spinster.
Mindy: It kind of sounds like I’d win an Oscar though.
I’ve been eating for two my whole life and now I’ve actually got an excuse.
I will not work in Staten Island. I will not take a boat to work, like I’m in the Viet Cong.
Danny: …the best gifts in life are free.
Mindy: Sure. If you’re like a poor mouse in a Christmas special or something.
Whatever you do, do not talk to any white people. In Boston, they are the dangerous ones.
I want you to love me in the way that I can show on Instagram.
I just need to ride out this minor humiliation until I find my Kanye.
I don’t want to go to your stupid party. But you know what? I should have been invited.
It’s so weird being my own role model.
Your secret is safe with me, largely because I don’t care and I’ll probably forget.
Ethnic people slap each other all the time. It’s like half of reality TV.
Just because I look like Olivia Pope does not mean I know how to disappear a body.
A best friend isn’t a person, Danny. It’s a tier.
I’ve never been that close to billionaires in person before. Oh no, Danny, do you think one of them might try to ’50 Shades of Grey’ me?
You are so wise. Why are you wasting your time in medicine? You should be a life coach on ‘The Biggest Loser.’
Just make sure the pressure is firm and consistent, like trying to convince your boyfriend to do a couples’ costume.
If finding a husband was that easy, I would not be here working. I would be married and in Connecticut. Wine drunk all day and working on my smug mom blog called “Diapers and Daydreams.”
I told Jeremy if he ever wants me to go anywhere, he has to trick me into believing that Pharell is doing a meet and greet.
Tattling is when a little girl does it. When a hot woman does it, it’s called whistle-blowing.
I just threw a dirty dish out the window because I didn’t want to deal with it.
I’m like, very smart and successful, and I’m hot, but I don’t even know it, which makes me even hotter.
When your love story ends, all you can do is cry, listen to sad music and drink wine you bought from a gas station.
My body is very attracted to your body. But when you speak my brain gets angry.
People seem to be having these awesome sex lives, and I’m just trying to find a life partner to go apple-picking with. What’s wrong with me?
I’m not good at saying no, okay? One time I left a flea market with a Samurai sword.
And despite it not being a Mindy quote, this gem from Danny just couldn’t go unrecognized:
Tax evasion is a serious crime. You’re stealing from America. Are you proud of yourself? You’re stealing from the Grand Canyon. The Liberty Bell.