This Wordy Wednesday, I decided to keep it light with one of the best characters in televised history: Michael Scott. Underneath the neurosis and the ingrown hair that he mistook for herpes, he truly was the world’s best boss.
Yes. Money has been a little bit tight lately, but at the end of my life, when I’m sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I’m gonna be thinking about how many friends I have and my children and my comedy albums.
Pizza. Great equalizer. Rich people love pizza. Poor people love pizza. White people love pizza. Black people love pizza. Do black people like pizza?
I tried. I tried. I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend, but that is like trying to be friends with an evil snail. I feel like I’m dying inside. I feel like Neve Campbell in “Scream 2.” She thinks she can go off to college and be happy. And then, the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends. Learned a lot of lessons from that movie. This is just one of them.
Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that’s baloney, because grief isn’t wrong. There’s such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.
Everyone always wants new things. Everybody likes new inventions, new technology. People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake.
Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you are nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you, and that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then… Then suddenly she’s not your ho no mo’!
Wow. Ben Franklin, you’re really kind of a sleazebag.
: Yeah, sure. You know business. Sitting up here in your ivory tower [
gestures toward the black professor
] and your ebony tower. Well, you know what? I tell you one thing: Dunder Mifflin is here to stay.
Business School Student
: But how can you compete against a company with the resources of a nationwide chain?
: David will always beat Goliath.
Business School Student
: But there’s five Goliaths. There’s Staples, OfficeMax…
: Yeah, yeah. You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America: Al-Qaeda. Global warming. Sex predators. Mercury poisoning.
Well, you know what, Jim, it is not my fault that you bought a house to impress Pam. That is why carnations exist.
I tried to live the dream. I tried to have a job, a girlfriend, another job, and I failed. But the good thing about the American dream is that you can just go to sleep and try it all again the next night.
Abraham Lincoln once said that “if you are a racist, I will attack you with the North.” And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.
And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.
Last week I would’ve given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would’ve reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don’t have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, “Uh, no. I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney.”
: I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I’m talking about.
: That’s not what a hate crime is.
: Well, I hated it, a lot, okay.
You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary. The bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big, watery, red eyes. I don’t know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left.
Dwight, you ignorant slut! Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32,000 people commit suicide every year according to a 2004 study.
I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon. Sue me. And since I don’t have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious. It’s good for me. It’s a perfect way to start the day.
I would have never called him that if I knew. You don’t call retarded people retards. It’s bad taste. You call your friends retards when they’re acting retarded.
Christmas is awesome. First of all, you got to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What’s better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So four things. Not bad for one day. It’s really the greatest day of all time.
We’re all homos, Homo sapiens.
We are not in the playground anymore. There are new rules. We have to be mature, but we can’t lose the spirit of childlike wonder. What is love anyway? Maybe it’s supposed to break all the rules. Like me and Jan. Or Oscar and some guy. Life is short. When two people find each other, what should get in their way?
What happens to a company if somebody takes a boss away? I will answer your question with a question. It’s like what happens to a chicken when you take its head away. It dies. Unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head.