I’ll be honest; life is better when you have someone to be excited about. I love getting giddy over texts and learning more about someone each day. But as a senior in college, I haven’t had much time to think about suitors and baeships as of late, and I’m not mad about it. My luck never seems to last in that department, so it’s not like I’m missing out on anything.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where a guy can be incredibly sweet but a massive tool at the same time? If you haven’t, I envy you, and I hope that you never encounter it, because it blows. Their negative and positive characteristics constantly counteract one another and cancel each other out, leaving you at a loss on what action to take. Do you put up with him and hope for the best or cut him off and hope for better? Well, I finally had to put on my big girl pants and cut him off, and as bummed as I was at times about it, it’s what had to be done. You can’t ever expect better than you settle for. And I had plenty to keep myself busy with anyway.
Somehow, in the hustle and bustle of the beginning of the end of my college career, a certain someone caught my eye. And as much as I didn’t want to be attracted to him (for a number of reasons) each interaction I had with him drove me further and further into infatuation. I have really weird habits when it comes to who I’m interested in. One guy, I’ll obsess over for months on end, too scared and reserved and convinced that my life is an ongoing practical joke to say anything. The next guy I’ve forgotten about an hour after opening his snap chat. Usually, who I like is completely superficial and therefore, has no substance. But this wasn’t one of those times.
I had seen this guy once in the dining hall wearing an outfit I really liked and thought to myself in the voice of Joey Tribiani “how you doin” and forgot that he existed before the day was over. When I actually met this kid face to face though, weeks later, I physically felt my brain struggling to process how attracted I was to him. He was perfect in a way that no other boy had been. I was actually more attracted to his mind than his appearance, which isn’t very common for me. As much as I tried to fight it, I came to terms with the fact that I actually really liked this kid.
And then, of course, I found out that he had a girlfriend. And it sucked. A lot. She was gorgeous, and they had been dating for a while. And as jealous as I was, I knew that she was probably a bright, intelligent girl that was just as radiant on the inside as she was on the outside.
Why wasn’t I better? Why wasn’t my skin clearer? Why wasn’t I skinnier? Why wasn’t my hair longer? Why wasn’t my nose smaller? Why was I such a bitch? Why did nothing ever go my way? I was devastated with the universe for always teasing me with what seemed to be a change of luck, and angry at myself for never being good enough.
As grumpy as I’ve been trying to accept that I can’t have who I wanted, I’ve been reminded of guys that I was certain were right for me in high school. I probably wouldn’t even accept a follow request from any of those guys now, and in reflection I’m so happy that it didn’t work out the way I wanted it to at the time.
I still think that this guy is amazing, and I’m still salty about the fact that he’s taken, and the fact that I have no one to spoon with or do a couples Halloween costume with. But we too easily forget what we’ve overcome, and how to apply the lessons we’ve learned to the obstacles at hand.
It seems like left and right, people my age are getting into relationship after relationship, and they’re lasting. These aren’t those college hookups that just end up fading. It’s terrifying to look around find yourself alone, surrounded by people pairing off in every direction that you look. But we’re still growing, and becoming the people we need to be for the people we deserve, and for the people that deserve us.
The older we get, the more uncertain everything seems. It’s easy to lose faith in yourself, and lose the vision that will take you from what you have to what you want. It’s easy to feel alone, and get discouraged. But if you exercise patience, diligence, and gratitude you can’t lose. There isn’t a finite amount or love or happiness in the world, and just because someone found theirs before you doesn’t mean that you won’t find yours.