A Guide To Tinder For The Straight Male Population

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As much as some of us wish otherwise, tinder is pretty much a hookup app. I know these are generalizations, but for the most part guys use it trying to get laid, and girls use it either actually trying to get laid, naively looking for a boyfriend, or pretending to try to get laid and hoping to get a boyfriend out of it.

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Seeing as I’m not a guy, I can’t tell you exactly the impression guys get from pictures and one liners on tinder, but as a girl, I have plenty of advice for the guys on tinder. But take my advice with a grain of salt, as I’m pickier and probably considerably more judgmental than most people.

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You may think that a bunch of pictures showing off how #yolked you are will get you lucky or a compilation of pics that look like stills from I’m Shmacked videos will make you look like the frat star party animal that every girl loves to pretend she hates but lowkey thirsts for, but you’re wrong (kinda). Balance is key, guys.

The shmoney shot.
You should be doing something rich people do, like sailing or golfing. Let’s be honest

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Athletic pic.
If you play a sport, an in action shot is your best choice because you look like less of the self absorbed tool you probably are than you would posing. Avoid selfies like mikes hards at a party and avoid mirror selfies like the bubonic plague. If you want to go the extra douche mile and be shirtless, feel free, but arms are really enough.

Party pic.
As much fun as keg stands are, if I saw a guy with a keg stand pic on his tinder I wouldn’t think “wow this guy knows how to party” I’d think “wow this guy wants me to think he parties.” Less is more.

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Adventure pic.
If you studied abroad, that sweet pic of you looking over the Venetian landscape or sky diving in Costa Rica would come in handy.

Dog/child pic.
I really shouldn’t have to explain this.

A well dressed shot.
If the only one you have is from prom, fine, but it kinda makes you look like a scrub unless you’re a freshman in college. A pic from a nice dinner, special event or sorority/fraternity formal would be more appropriate.

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Keep your bio short. If it sounds like a TFM one liner in a non-ironic way, don’t. You’ll probably sound like you’re trying too hard, and the only girls that will actively respond to that are more likely than not carrying venereal diseases.

I saw “chipotle is bae” on a guy’s tinder. If anything on your bio sounds like something from a parody twitter account I am swiping left without hesitation.

You can be honest about your intentions without sounding like a godless heathen, and creativity goes a long way. If you can come up with something better than “hey” without immediately asking her to sit on her face, your chances of actually seeing her naked will probably increase exponentially.

Go get em tiger.

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JANUARY 12, 2015

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