The Grinches That Try To Steal the Fourth of July

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The Fourth of July for me is what a full moon is to a werewolf. My unapologetic, flamboyant patriotism is at its all time high and no communist anywhere ever could stop me from spreading my drunk, all-American cheer. But every year, without fail, there is some hipster that wasn’t hugged enough as a child using my favorite holiday to defame this country and all of her glory. And while I respect your first amendment right to express your blasphemous opinions, I would be remiss in my duties if I did not take the time to make my counter argument.

imageIf you haven’t seen this clip about why “America is n* l*nger the greatest country in the world” from Newsroom, you’re not really missing anything, because 3 minutes of your life is lost to commie nonsense that you’ll never get back, but you should watch it so I can tell you why it’s wrong.

imageI’m not going to disrespect another nation to praise my own, but I don’t want the Canadian or Belgian or French versions of freedom. If socialism works for our neighbors to north, more power to them, but it has no place in God’s country.

imageAssuming that all of the statistics he rattled off were true, they have little to nothing to do with the greatness of a nation. We may be seventh in literacy, but my great grandfather barely had a fourth grade education yet built a life for himself in a time and place where black success was unheard of. He was by no means a Rockefeller, but he lived comfortably and all on his own dime. He owned his own land, provided for his own family, and earned respect from blacks and whites alike in a small segregated town in Georgia pre-civil rights without ever going to the fifth grade. Against the odds, and without the government holding his hand, he made it. And that’s why America is the greatest country on Earth.

imageAnd seriously, he said 178th in infant mortality like that was something we were supposed to be leading in. Am I missing something? When did dead babies become a bragging right? And number four in labor force? You know who number one is? China, and I’m pretty sure that not a single American would like to trade their working conditions for those of an average Chinese employee.

imageAmerica is not a statistic, and her greatness cannot be measured in data. America is a miracle and America is a spirit; one of resilience, one of passion and one of determination. There is much more right with my country than wrong, and I will defend her with my last breath.

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This Fourth of July, get drunk, watch the fireworks, but most importantly, tell an indignant hipster to shut the fuck up.

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JULY 02, 2014

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